Saturday, August 9, 2014

If You Are Willing

 


With the morning sun caressing my face, I prepared to read the section of verses for my quiet time in the Word.

What I read stilled and pierced my heart...

"In one of the villages, Jesus met a man with an advanced case of leprosy. When the man saw Jesus, he bowed with his face to the ground, begging to be healed. "Lord," he said, "if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean."

Jesus reached out and touched him. "I am willing," he said. "Be healed!" And instantly the leprosy disappeared. (Luke 5:12-13)

I have read that verse multiple times over the years, but right that moment... it touched something deep in my heart.

A deeply buried desire. A desire that I don't want to have or feel anymore...

The desire to be healed.

I tried, again, to bury that hope & desire to be healed as deep as I could, but I could feel the Lord digging down in there... reaching and pulling aside the dirt, rock and cement that I painfully & deliberately used to bury, over the years... that desire.

Looking out to the mountains and seeing the golden glow of the rising sun... a whisper escaped from my lips, "Lord, if you are willing, you can heal me and make me hear. Today. Right now."


For so many years, since I was a child, people have come to me and asking to pray for healing for me. They would put their hands on my ears and pray with all they had. In the beginning, I was grateful... 

But as the years went on by and still no healing... I grew to resent the prayers.

While on the outside, I would smile and say, "Sure!" when someone innocently asked if they could pray for me. But on the inside, over the pounding of my heart, I would be yelling, "No! I am fine just the way I am! Leave me alone!"

As I grew up over the years, I buried that hope & desire to be healed as deep as I could...

Because I was afraid.

Afraid to let my hope rise.

Afraid to feel the crushing disappointment.

Afraid that I would be denied once again.

Afraid that I would be told that I don't have enough faith to be healed.

For years I used to silently ask... demand... beg the Lord to heal me, but I stopped doing that a long while ago.

It wasn't until I served at a deaf school in Mexico that I started to "accept" being deaf. 

That is where the prayers stopped. I still had my struggles, but at least I had more peace about being a deaf woman.


Sitting there and listening to my thoughts rolling around, I sense the Lord speaking to my heart, turning the verse around and saying...

"Marillyn, if you are willing, you can embrace being deaf and make Me greater in your life for others to see Me."

What?

Really, Lord? My being deaf will make You greater? What about healing me? Won't that make You even more greater?

"Yes, but for only a short time and people will forget. Even you will forget, but your deafness is my gift to you. For I am greater in your weakness! Your inability to hear is what drives you closer to Me. That's why I created you to be who you are"

I sat there... speechless, a calm settling my thoughts.

"My daughter, you are a miracle to many because I have given you many gifts, abilities and talents. You can speak. You can read lips. You are able to wear a hearing aid. You have been able to do many different things that doctors claimed you couldn't and shouldn't do! Those are the things that bring glory to me."

I could sense a a different kind of healing happening at that moment...

"I promise you, Marillyn, you will be healed. Be patience. Be steadfast. Be courageous. And most importantly...

Be who I created you to be."


29 comments:

  1. I think this is the most beautiful and amazing thing I have ever read. Your mom!

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  2. Thank You for sharing your experience with The Lord this morning. It was good to read.

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    1. Thank you Krystal. It felt good to share it!

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  3. Thank you for sharing your heart. I have secretly prayed for you many times that you would be healed. But you are right God has done some amazing things through you and you are an inspiration to many people, both deaf and not.

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    1. Thank you Frank! Its hard some days... especially living here. I am reminded constantly of what I can't do because of my deafness, but the Lord is faithful to help me see little bit through His eyes of why.

      Looking forward to seeing you and Lisa when we come through DSM!

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  4. I LOVED this!! I think it is one of my favorite things I have read that you wrote Mare! Blessings to you dear friend!

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    1. Thank you amiga :) Hugs and blessings to you. Praying that your adjustment is going well. I know it will be hard for you this month because this is around the time you get ready to head back to RSM.

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  5. Thank you Marilyn, for sharing your courage. We need to be willing to accept ourselves in order to value our gifts. Blessings to all! Keep sharing!

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  6. Reading this and Robin Jones Gunn's new book Spoken For on the same morning...
    I don't have words to say how I felt when I read it, but I'm glad you wrote this and posted it!

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    1. I loved reading Robin Jones Gunn's books when I was in middle school & high school! I saw that she has new books out continuing the life of Christy. Very cool and hope to read it soon.

      Glad to know my words encouraged you :)

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  7. Oh my sweet friend, I have tears in my eyes! What a gift you truly are and what a gift this post is as hearing the Lord speak to you that He loves you and made you for His glory is so, so TRUE! His strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:8-10). Thank you for sharing this intimate, precious time of prayer and listening to the Lord. Someday soon, we will all be made perfect in Him at His return! Until then, let us labor with joy that He has chosen us to be His beloved children, and His ambassadors to point the world to Him. Maranatha! xo

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    1. Hello Kelly! Yes... I look forward to the day where I can stand before Him and hear 'well done' with my perfected ears :D You have a wonderful gift of encouragement and I am so glad I have you as a friend!

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  8. I'm so glad that you choose to BE WHO GOD CREATED YOU TO BE!!! You are such an inspiration and beautiful servant of God - in many ways. I love when God speaks so clearly...like He did with you today, and I'm so grateful that you shared with us so that He can speak to us through you, too!! Thank you!

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    1. Thank you Michele! I do hope what the Lord has shared with me will encouraged many others. Hugs!

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  9. Beautiful, Marillyn. Thank you for sharing your heart. It is so beautiful how God creates and uses each person uniquely according to His plan. His conversation with your heart is precious and one that I am sure you will remember forever. Thank you for sharing something so precious with us.

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    1. Jessi, yes... I will remember it forever :)

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  10. Thank you for sharing your intimate time with our Creator. It has been a blessing to see you become such an incredible women because of Jesus and your yielding to Him. Marilyn keep running the race as to win !! May the Lord continue to bless you and your family as you serve Him. Love from California (Jay and Lisa Hoffenberg)

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    1. Thank you Lisa!! Can't believe how much the years have gone by. Blessings to you sister!

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  11. Marilyn, I am so happy that God has healed your heart and shown you that you are truly, fearfully and wonderfully made. This blog that you have shared today will be an encouragement for anyone who is struggling with the conflict between what God sees as wonderful and what we might see as wonderful. I think that it is hard for a person who can hear to understand that it is ok to not be able to hear. God has a plan and we need to trust Him. Thank-you for being such an awesome example of trusting in His plan and even though you may not have always understood why He didn't bring you healing, you continued to use the gifts He gave you to bring glory to His name. I will pray for you as God continues to heal your heart and the enemy tries to keep it broken. Thank-you for sharing today. (Donna Boyce, Andrea's mom)

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    1. Thank you, Donna, for committing to pray for me as I travel this road. There are days where I take several leaps forward, but then there are days were the enemy comes in and causes me to fall back a little. Thank God that He is stronger than our enemy and He is faithful to help me up!

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  12. Love your vulnerability. Thanks for sharin

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  13. Marillyn, thanks so much for sharing, God has been showing me the same thing lately about how He uses my weakness, why is it that he would call a hearing person that LOVES music to work with the deaf? Why would he have me go to college two times after hating school for so many years and even more, have me teaching in a place I never wanted to return? Why doesn't he use my musical abilities? What He has shown me is that this world is temporary, I will have music for eternity, but the souls of the deaf are lost and need reaching, and we may only have 5 years, 20 years, 1 day, or a 1000 years, but whatever the time, it is short and He keeps me on my knees before Him a LOT because of serving Him in my weakness. So many times this year I have asked, "Why me"? Wouldn't a deaf person be a better person to minister to the deaf, they know sign language and how the deaf person feels 100% more than I do... "Why me", I still don't get everything in Spanish, why not a hearing MExican that knows perfect Spanish? Why not someone else? Simply because He has chosen me and I am willing and I can rest in confidence that because He has chosen me, that is what makes me important even if it seems like the only thing I am able to do amongst a rebellious generation that don't want to listen to God and are stuck in their generational cycle is pray, PRAYER CHANGES THINGS and if I was somewhere else, I wouldn't be praying like I am here, God LISTENS TO PRAY, He shows me practically EVERYDAY, it gets addictive to talk to Him because He guides so perfectly even though I don't understand until I look back on what he has done. So God is using one hearing girl amongst the deaf and one Deaf girl amongst the hearing, and HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING! God bless you! Alisha Rosenau

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    1. Thank you for sharing your heart with me Alisha! What you shared reminds me even more so how important it is to always be in prayer. Helps me to keep my "heavenly" focus.

      HA, a hearing girl among the deaf and a deaf girl among the hearing... interesting twist of words!

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  14. Thanks for sharing something so personal from your journey. Many hugs to you as you embrace yourself. I think you are awesome! Your little family is so privileged to have you!

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  15. Mare, it is clear the Holy Spirit imparted that Truth to you ~ beautifully written! That Truth: to be who GOD created us to be, is something Only He can reveal to each of us, as we accept & surrender our weaknesses and strengths to Him to be used for His Glory!!! Thank you for sharing this ~ your life is a beautiful testimony of His Glory shining in & through you!!! Beverly Chesser

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    1. Love you Beverly! Thank you for being such a good friend. May God continue to use you as you reach out to the deaf in Honduras :)

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